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As a young kid, I, like many of us, knew I was special and that I was destined for greatness. I could see it very clearly – this commanding presence, this confidence, this unapologetic authenticity. This was my nature. This is who I was and who I would become.
Unfortunately, as happens to most of us, it wasn’t that simple…

I grew up in Ohio. Two parent home. A brother. We were Presbyterian. I went to church every week and youth group every Sunday evening. I spent a week every summer at our church’s summer camp. 13 summers! It was a perfectly lovely church, aligned with Jesus’ teachings of love and compassion. We’d put on shows. Sometimes there’d be a jazz band for the service. Occasionally some choreography! This was my spiritual upbringing. And I loved it.
And yet, simultaneously, I was realizing that I was gay. This was in the ’80s, at the height of the AIDS epidemic. And I’d see these “Christians” on the television with their God Hates Fags signs. And I’d wonder, how is it possible that my idea of God and their idea of God could be so diametrically opposed? Soon it became hard for me to say “God.” Just as it was impossible for me to say “gay” at that time.

What’s unfortunate is how we let the external narratives shape us, even when our own experiences would tell us otherwise. I’d had years of a supportive religious life at the church I grew up in. And yet, I let the toxic message of the fringe take precedent in my mind, poisoning Christianity for me, and really all religions, to the point where I painted all Christians with a disdainful brush, even though I logically knew that not all practicing Christians were like the haters I saw and that still exist today.

I lost faith. I felt that God abandoned me. When, in reality, it was I who abandoned God. I internalized a toxic homophobia and I let others tell me my worth.

But who was I? Long gone were those thoughts of specialness, of the confident, unapologetically authentic man that I felt destined to become from my childhood imaginings. I wasn’t a person. I was a persona. I was who I needed to be in order to be liked and loved. I had an intuitive sense as to what people wanted. And so, that’s the role I’d take on. Playing the various roles became second nature. Obedient son. Nice guy. Starving artist. Model citizen. Starving artist.  

Funnily enough, after moving to NYC to pursue acting, my life was filled with people with spiritual abilities and gifts. They were both fascinating and frustrating. How come they got the answers? And often they’d say, “Oh, Ryan. You’re a healer.” I’d smile as the inner critic would chide, “Healer? That’s ludicrous. Ryan, you’re worthless sh*t. They’re wrong.” Yeah. Those voices were quite cruel.

I’d forgotten who I was, and so, I was always seeking information and modalities to enlighten one about one’s self. Astrology. Numerology. Tarot. Oracle decks. Myers- Briggs. Meditation. Ayurveda. Runes. Symbology. Shamanism. So many different schools of thought. And so much fascinating information. And yet, with every inquiry, I’d stop when it got deep. I only wanted the cursory information. Nothing that would challenge me to actually get to my Truth and my Power.

The truth is, I was frightened at what I’d uncover. I believed that at my core I was worthless. That I was unlovable. A waste of space. A mistake. This is what I believed. That I didn’t deserve love.

Integrity

This went on for many, many years. I’d create something. Pursue something. Something good. And I’d feel good about it. And then I’d sabotage it. Time and time again when it looked like success was around the corner, I’d quit. I wouldn’t send the email. I wouldn’t make the call. I’d skip the appointment. So many beautiful starts. So many premature endings.
It’s as if I’d learned to surf. Went out and practiced. Got good at it. Then I sign up for a competition. I get in the water. And there, I see it, the perfect wave. It’s coming. And… I paddle back to shore. I mean, what if I tried and I bit it? I’d be a failure. Or worse, what if I succeeded? And then I’d have all this attention on me. And they’d realize I was a worthless piece of …

It took going on a plant medicine retreat in the jungles of Costa Rica with a bunch of queer men to truly accentuate the cracks in my façade, to begin to acknowledge and face my fears that I am unworthy and unlovable.
It was revelatory. While the medicine worked through me, I could see that we’re all wearing masks. We all have subscribed unknowingly to this illusion that we’re all separate. But really, we’re all part of the Divine. And as such, we’re all lovable. We are love and we are lovable.

I started seeing the external narratives that I’d let define me. I became acutely aware of all of those inner voices and began to realize that they weren’t mine. I’d taken on these beliefs from my friends and family, from teachers, from society as to who I was. But they were all so limiting and sought to keep me small. I had to let go of those narratives. And then I could start to work on the voices that were mine that kept me safe, but at a cost. You can’t play it safe and change the world. You’re going to have to get uncomfortable. You’re going to have to risk being seen.

Communion

After that retreat in the jungle, I began a deep dive into the work of finding myself and loving myself. Intuitive guidance, mediumship, coaching, shamanism, the Akasha, quantum realities, metaphysics, hermeticism, breathwork, inner child work… so many modalities. Each was building on the one before it. They were like color washes in a painting. Yet the Truth was there at the center of it all. Love. Love. Love.
It is about remembering that we are Love. Manifestations of Love. All is Love.

But is it? We’ve been beaten and berated. Wars and death and famine. Racism and misogyny and homophobia. Just to name a few. How can I say “all is Love”?
When we truly, deeply, unapologetically love ourselves, when Love is how we react and respond to the seeming chaos of the world, we can begin to transmute the pain and sorrow and fear and hatred that seem so prevalent. We can reshape the narrative. We become the changemakers.
And I’m not saying that we must put up with intolerance and violence and abuse. No. I’m not saying that at all. But responding to hatred with hatred hasn’t worked. Turning ourselves into monsters to face the monsters isn’t how we’re going to heal the world. People hurt others because they’re hurting. Lasting change, for ourselves and for the world, is only possible through deep, deep love and compassion. Love is the great alchemist.

We are all one.

Wholeness

So, how can I help you? I’ve lived the change. I’ve done the work. I’ve uncovered and nurtured my spiritual gifts. And I’ve built my toolkit and the various tools to help you to find your Truth and reconnect with your Love. I see your potential. I see your Divine Essence. And I can help you to see it too. I want you to know that you matter. That you are powerful. And that you are never alone. The Universe holds us all. We are all one.

But this is not for the feint of heart. I can’t do this work for you. No one did it for me. I can only help you along the way. I can give you some tools. I can tell you what I’m being told.

The question is, do you want to reconnect with your passion and your purpose? Do you want to be able to unapologetically proclaim, “I love myself”? If so, I can help. Let’s go on this journey together.

Lastly, I know that my younger self and his vision of us, of our future, it was perfection. The journey away from that knowledge of self, away from that vision of me living fully in my Truth and Power, it was the great teacher and has empowered me to help others who are struggling along the same path.

God is love. And we are love. Therefore, we are God. And we have the power to manifest our dreams, to live our best lives, to thrive. I want you to be fully, unapologetically, authentically YOU and to know that you matter. You are worthwhile. And yeah, it’s also about having FUN! It’s gotta be fun!